Mothers and Daughters: The Changing Times and the Bond

A mother-daughter bond is special but also very intense and trying.  Don’t know about you, but that’s how I’d define mine with my daughter. I believe sometimes she’s my best confidante and friend and then, now that she’s become her own person, there are some very difficult, disagreeable times too.

These are challenging times, particularly for those of us who believe, and have lived, a pretty independent, self-reliant life and have daughters today who, partly influenced by their own experience, beliefs and exposures, and partly through emulation, have a strong sense of independence and confident attitude to take the world on.

That’s good mostly, except when it comes to the one thing that’s worrisome and have made moms like us, hyper and cautious about their movements, especially at night.  Incidents of harassment, teasing and, in extreme cases the most reprehensible violence and rape are increasing, or perhaps being reported more often.  I find myself caught in the dilemma of dealing with my concern for her safety and of not being an overbearing parent.  This is particularly true when my daughter is out at night and returning home late.  Not that day times are safe, but, relatively so.

The thing is, she’s so much her own person that my phone calls, there could be more than a couple sometimes, depending on the hour, annoy her.  I get that too, but what to do?  I am a mom.  I read the newspapers and just want her to come home safe. It’s only just that.

I am a fairly liberal mom.  That’s been my upbringing. I grew up in a home that, among other things, and sometimes in spite of it, was open to hearing  and accepting my choices.  I could voice my opinions quite freely and had my parents support and approval for several important decisions that I chose to make, including my education, career and whom I chose to marry.  This wasn’t carte banche, but mostly so.

A pretty liberal upbringing.  In retrospect, I am so grateful for just these two gifts my parents gave me–education and the freedom of choice.  It shaped the person I have become and majorly contributed to my confidence and worth as I moved forward in this world. I wasn’t sure about what I wanted, but I knew my parents were watching my back.

I’d like very much to pass that on to my kids. In most ways I have. They are their own people, grown up quite fine, I think. They make their decisions and, like a lot of kids of their generation, there’s sometimes not much room for discussion about what and when they want to do their own thing.  Also, I’ve had to made peace with what’s worth arguing about.  I now, I hope, have the wisdom to know the difference about what I can change and what I cannot.

Amidst all the introspection, hold-back, support and the disagreements, it’s basically worked out.  We have our bonding days and we have days when we just don’t gel.  I have also discovered that, although I’m really not very good at forgiving and forgetting words exchanged during arguments and moving on, my kids have the ability to do so.  And there’s a lesson to be learnt right there.

But there are other things I bring to the table today, albeit, having realised that I wasn’t there for them when they might have needed me most. I feel dreadful about that time, but what’s done is done.  Today, I do have the time to listen to their accomplishments, heartbreaks and their future plans.  We talk, it’s gratifying and makes me feel good that I am a daily part of my kids’ life.  I don’t always agree. But I’m there, connected and very much part of their lives, and so are my kids for me. And that’s important.

Happy Mother’s Day! I so enjoy this role. It’s the best I’ve ever had.